.. up with the saluous armafairs?

2003-04-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

Is this thing working yet?

2003-04-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

Well I dunno if you saw Lauren's comment in my last post (if not, best go read it now if the rest of this is to make sense), but I will happily take up the challenge on account I don't like to shy away from things like this.

I'll do my best but, as there is no-one else here right now to take them, don't expect anything proffessional.

Call back later, but not if you are of an excitable or nervous disposition, like the taste of capers or have a linguini shaped birthmark on your right buttock. These people are known to faint away at the sight of.. well, anything really.

2003-04-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing to post today, so I am gonna leave all the typing up to you people.

Click the 'comments' link and leave a message, even if you've never done it before.

Go on. I don't bite. Unless you want me to, of course, but I'd be oh-so-gentle..

2003-04-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am not a religious person, and sorry to those who are that might be reading this.. but I just had to post this pic..

You can rely on them...

2003-04-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

If someone can come up with something more inspirational, lemme know? :(

Later that day...

Woohoo! Got one!

The eyes belong to Jude Law, the person. Famous I believe. Yes.

Thanks Sonia! I owe ya a big hug and I'll get you that bottle of scotch you asked me for a while back. The big one that comes free with the case of twelve you wanted. Will it all last you till the end of the month tho? Should I get two cases? Let me know..

2003-04-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

More search engine queries that have led people down the slippery path to this blog..

fingerbob mouse
Anyone remember that program?

schematic stethescope
Who says we aren't educational??

Smoking The Devil's Johnson
I thought this was a no-smoking zone..

covered up ass
And rightly so. It'd be rude otherwise.

"was so hairy"
Clearly looking for pics of Tasha's back, before she shaved it..

canada's nude woman
Just the one, mind you. This person obviously didn't want to be up all night, looking at lots of them.

We aim to please!

2003-04-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

Ooh err.. get you - so it's MR Armafair now, is it? ;)

You ~~think you~~ are SOO clever, Tasha, coming up with all those ~~bullshit~~ quotes that you know deep down that we don't really mean.

You deserve a ~~right good kick up the ass~~ big hug for that, all the same.

YAY, go ~~forth and multiply~~ Tasha!!

Mauahaha.. we all lubs ya really..

[come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away..]
(when's this stuff gonna wear off? see you later.. gonna go play with the blue fairies that just came in thru the front door.....)

p.s. Remember kiddies: drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route..

2003-04-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

And since Mr. Armafair has decided to be so chauvanistic recently I (Tasha) give you this .. our guide to the male language ...

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

2003-04-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

I guess I've been a bit one-sided with a lot of the posts here.. most are chauvanistic in nature in a wild attempt at being even just a little bit funny.
Well, I consider myself told. I have had an email from a friend who has put my right on the reason for women being the way they are - cranky - at times* (my italics). So men, here's the reason why women suffer so much with PMT (I understand this means Permenant Menstrual Tension), and more besides:

Why women are cranky

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants everytime we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex."?
Yeah right. Bite me

Thanks Dream, now I think I understand.
Of course, you have to give men some credit - they have to live with the woman going thru all this...

2003-04-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

Anybody have any idea why your veins look blue, even when the blood that runs thru' them is red?

2003-04-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

I only need to grow my hair, have a sex change and shave my face and I could be..

Well ok, I might look more like the guy on the left (ok, maybe I don't), and I sold my bike (which wasn't a Harley and my next won't be either..) but hell, me being Barbie is a scary, scary thought..

(link sneekily stolen/borrowed/given and took back/shared* from Allison, at Alicat's Domain - thanks Ali ;) )

(*delete as apropriate**)

(**correct the spelling of this as apropriate)

2003-04-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Don't tell Brian Hughes, of Rant Of The Week, but...

An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.

...wouldn't want to worry him about his hospital stay and what might occur there.

2003-04-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

I used to think my brain was my favourite part of my body... then I realised what was making me think that!

2003-04-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

THE JOYS OF BEING MALE

1. Your rear is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Chocolate is just another snack.
7. You can be president.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. Same work... more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
22. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.
23. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
And, Finally, . . . . . .
27. One mood, all the time.

If you girls can think of anything that makes YOU feel good to be a girl, let's have it...

2003-04-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Dunno what's going on with the pics.. the host I have them with is playing up yet again *sigh*.
I lost them ALL a few weeks back when they upgraded the servers.. now something else is going on and I know not what. Ah well.

2003-04-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

Search engine referral: smell of cut grass jumping into fresh laundry

So THAT'S what my site smells like!

What does your site smell like, in 8 words or less...?

2003-04-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

Me: Another junk email - men, add inches to your length and girth
Her: Have it removed altogether more like. It'll save a lot of room in bed.

Well, I'm not gonna whinge about complaints like that!!!

2003-04-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for Chris (from Boone, NC)'s letters regarding his gargoyle and the strange goings-on at the Evergreen Homeowners Association, click here.

2003-04-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

REVENGE IS SWEET

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!"

2003-04-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

Seems I am more evil than Sonia, if that's at ALL possible (I heard she has to comb her hair in such a way as to avoid the horns showing...)

I am 35% evil.
Take the test :: koolplace.com

2003-04-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

2003-04-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

I have a horrible feeling that something is going wrong, or going to go wrong.

Can't shake it, but you know what I mean? That horrible sense of dread?

2003-04-05T08:45:00.000-08:00

Three guys at a football game are sitting behind three nuns. They can't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."

One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."

Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."

Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"

2003-04-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

The Sun is lost, and the earth, and no man's wit
Can well direct him where to look for it.
And freely men confess that this world's spent ...
'Tis all in pieces, all coherence gone.

DONNE

2003-04-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

2003-04-04T19:49:00.000-08:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

2003-04-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

Why won't the baby dance?

Answers on a postcard please (or the comments, or the zonk..), as the image is definately there...

2003-03-31T20:19:00.000-08:00

I just got myself a new job, working in the mines in Northern Canada, mining (of all things) wax.

It's a job I guess. I didn't know where it came from before, but apparently this is Canada's biggest wax mine, and exports all over the world.

Wish me luck.. I start next Monday.

2003-03-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

A trio of blonde jokes..

AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

(I love the next one..)

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

2003-03-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

DAD EXPLAINS CONDOMS.........

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The dad very man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

2003-03-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

Day One:

Working away at the new wiring on the bathroom, and needing to change the llights and light switch, I found the cables under the floor that connected the original switch to the one single bulb that was the source of light in the old bathroom.

I routed the new cable to the new wall and connected up the new switch.

TADAAA!!! Switch down, lights off; slide switch up and three new halogen spotlights gradually illuminate a semi-finished bathroom.

Day Two:

The washing machine doesn't work.

A brain wave washes over me, soaking me from head to foot in some kind of mental backwash..

I run upstairs and slide the lightswitch, and behold, as well as the lights coming on, the washing machine downstairs springs into life.

I am sick of the mentality of the people who built this house. The blueprints for the wiring was not so much of a professionally drawn schematic as, maybe, a photo of a plate of spaghetti and that random mess copied in the layout of the cabling.
The wiring for the old bathroom light and socket, was also connected up to the laundry room downstairs and also to a socket in one of the bedrooms.

It's working now, but not before I had to pull up floorboards and trace the cables back to a point where I could have clean socks without lighting up the bathroom every time.

I need to go lie down in a dark room.

(fills bath and slides light switch down to off)

2003-03-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away.

"The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room,returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet petted the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably......dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!, she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"............

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"

2003-03-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

Sorry Dania, but it's a blonde joke...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

2003-03-25T19:02:00.000-08:00

Her: Where are you going?
Me: To get my tools, then I am going out the back.
Her: Why?
Me: The shed door's fallen off.
Her: Okay.

Isn't it funny how things take on a whole new perspective? This is in Canada, where, if people were any more laid back, they'd fall over.
And clearly it's catching.

Ok, it was my fault that the door fell off (I didn't lock it yesterday and the wind caught it), but it didn't matter in the least. I picked up my tools and went and put it back on.
Now if this had happened in the UK, I can't even begin to think what state I would be in, wondering what the hell I'd do to fix it.

Maybe, when you get to Canada, you 'adopt' a chill-out angel, that sits on your shoulder saying things like "Don't have a cow" and "You won't need therapy!" and "Just go sort it and be cool!"

I love it.

2003-03-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

It's oof-i-shul.. They told me:

You are worth exactly: $1,988,062.00.

Your turn.

2003-03-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for Chris (from Boone, NC)'s letters regarding his gargoyle and the strange goings-on at the Evergreen Homeowners Association, click here.

For some reason the search engines don't take you to the right archived page.. Probably a Blogger hiccup, sorry.

2003-03-24T13:54:00.000-08:00

There's a new 'Hints & Tips' section on the right.
Please feel free to email me with any you might have to share with others, and I'll put them up..

armafair (at) hotmail (dot) com

2003-03-24T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hope the Americans can get a lot out of this as well?

With all going on, take a minute out to read this, and smile.. If you're not smiling by the end of this, then what were you doing when you were young?

Close your eyes and go back in time...Before the Internet...Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....Before X-Box, SEGA or Super Nintendo...Way back........I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park. The corner shop. Hopscotch. Butterscotch. Skipping. Handstands. Football with an old can. Fingerbob. Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the menace. Roly Poly. Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass. Bazooka Joe bubble gum. An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a screwball.

Wait......Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks. Childrens Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang, The Tomorrow People, Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going
somewhere. Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings. White dog poo.
Sticky fingers. Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro. Climbing trees. Building igloos out of snow banks.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being tired from playing....remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Choppers and Grifters. Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops.

Remember when...There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green flash - and the only time you wore them at school was for P.E. You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog, 25p was decent pocket money, Curly Wurlys. Space Dust. Toffo's. Top Trumps. You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. Nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there. Any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still afraid of them. Didn't that feel good?

Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when.... Decisions were made by going " Ip Dip Dog sh!t ". "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly". The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs. And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one. It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog' wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult. Nobody was prettier than Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED. Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...

I DOUBLE-DARE YOU

2003-03-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???....

And his story - see below:

HIS STORY:

Shite day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.

2003-03-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

A Newfie buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

2003-03-15T22:17:00.000-08:00

Possibly the worst joke I have heard..

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink" The barman still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild.The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink" The barman ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and drinks the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos.The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.............then to the right.....right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The barman sighs and says: "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

2003-03-15T22:13:00.000-08:00

It was winter, and the snow lay thick on the ground. One clear night, the temperature dropped down well below freezing, and in the early hours, Farmer Giles got up to feed his cows.

Driving his tractor through the fields, he finally came across his cows, only to find them all frozen solid. He turned his tractor around and raced back to the farmhouse, where he told his wife what had happened.

Unruffled, his wife made a phone call and then told her husband that they should go back to the cows. They both got on the tractor and the farmer drove back to where his cows were standing, still frozen stiff.

Presently, a little old lady came up the cows. She reached out her hands to each cow in turn, and no sooner did she touch one of the animals it defrosted and wandered off in the direction of the milking shed. One by one the little old lady touched the cows, until soon they were all ambling across the field.

Once she was done, the old lady wandered off again.

The farmer just stared in disbelief. "Who was that?" he asked of his wife.

"The old lady? Why that was Thora Hird."

[It's the only Thora Hird joke I know ;) - a small tribute to a little old lady. RIP Dame Thora Hird.]

2003-03-13T23:23:00.000-08:00

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

2003-03-12T21:41:00.000-08:00

A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test and the doctor invites her in to sit down.

"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."

"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."

"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."

"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."

"And it hasn't got any arms either."

"What?"

"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."

"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."

"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."

2003-03-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some of their friends. The wife wanted everything to be just right, but at the last minute realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party.

"Darling," she said, "I've forgotten the snails. Grab the bucket and run down to the beach and get some, quick!"

He grunted but agreed. Taking the bucket, he walked out the door, down the steps, and onto the beach.

As he was bending down collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling along a little way down the beach. He thought to himself, "What I would give to have her come over and talk to me.." He continued gathering snails.

All of a sudden he felt someone standing over him and he looked up to find the beautiful woman was standing next to him! They started talking and after a short while she invited him back to her house, further up the beach. One thing led to another, the evening passed quickly and they spent the night together.

At six the next morning he woke up, looked at the clock and cried, "Oh no! The dinner party!"

He got out of bed, got dressed as quickly as he could, picked up his bucket, and ran out the door and back up the beach to his house.

As he was climbing the stairs to the front door he tripped and dropped the bucket of snails. At that moment, his wife opened the door and glared at him, furiously.

The man looked up at her, then back to the snails and said "Come on you guys, we're almost there!"

2003-03-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

Tube Tales

Those of you who suffer the underground will find this a laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun... unfortunately towels are not provided'.

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors."

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

"We can't move off because someone has their f***ing hand stuck in the door."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"
He gave up...
"Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."

2003-03-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

Try these questions..

Question #1:

You know woman who is pregnant and who has 8 kids already - three of whom are deaf, two of whom are blind and one mentally retarded. She also has syphilis.
Would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question #2:

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain-smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon and used opium in college.
He drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke and drinks an occasional beer.
He hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Check out the comments for the rest.

2003-03-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have had a few people query the source of '..up with the saluous armafairs'

It's from one of my poems, and is about love. Called:

Love's Poem
OR
An Attempt To Put Into Words The Feeling Of Love That We Hold In Our Hearts
OR
Even Moligrunts Have Tentipots

Yep, no prizes for guessing that it is nonsense verse, inspired by Carroll's 'Jabberwocky'.

I'll write it out if ya' like.

2003-03-09T17:59:00.000-08:00

The Panda connection.

A panda stops his car on a street corner and picks up a 'lady of the night', and they both go back to her place for a bit of something.

When they arrive, the panda says 'before we start, could you make me a sandwich, as I am a little hungry.'

The prostitue thinks it a little odd, but decides to add it to the panda's account and after making it, watches him greedily eat the food. They both strip off and get into bed.

An hour or so later, after the panda has finished, he gets out of bed and gets dressed. It is only as he is about to leave that the prostitute questions him about the money he owes her.

'I don't understand,' says the panda. 'I have to pay you?'

The prostitute hands him a dictionary and tells the panda to look up the word prostitute. He casually flips through the book, finds the correct page and reads: 'Prostitute - One who charges money for sex.' The panda smiles, closes the book and hands it back, saying 'You had better look up the word panda.'

As he leaves, and the door closes behind him, the prostitute reads aloud, 'Panda - Eats shoots and leaves.'

2003-03-08T23:24:00.000-08:00

2003-03-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

2003-03-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN (when they know what's going on..)

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2003-03-07T05:50:00.000-08:00

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know; I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward supervisor was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long standing, the nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

2003-03-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

sex up haircut

Can someone please explain this Google search to me??

2003-03-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

I need help with a problem I have. Please leave a comment if you can help with my dilemma..

I have been engaged for almost a year. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I could be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

OK, here's the thing - should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

2003-03-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

I don't want to tax your brains too much, so today will be the last of the lessons..

Please pay attention you at the back!

Biology :-

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax,the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, The borax contains the heart and lungs. The abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"?
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English :-

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (from a UK advert for washing-up liquid - Armafair)

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology:-

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head

2003-03-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

A couple more search engine queries to share...

I am having sex with my secretary

and

stethoscope during orgasm

Google really do find 'em, huh?

2003-03-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

Today, Geography ans Sociology. Actual answers from exam questions that will only help expand your knowlege of, well, Geography and Sociology, I guess..

Geography :-

Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology :-

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

2003-03-03T19:59:00.000-08:00

Back to school you lot.. Today's lesson - GEOGRAPHY!!!

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Serbia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled.... The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a d!ck.

2003-03-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

Here some medical problems.. Make sure you don't end up on the list:

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. MMD,
San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. RB, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
Dr. SS,
Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. MT, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.... Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. RSC, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
Dr. SS, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. LK, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow
the lawn."

2003-02-28T22:22:00.000-08:00

To all of those that know what day it is..

2003-02-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that I am the "you smell like butt" bunny.
I am brutally honest and always say what's on my mind.

By the way, did I tell you that you are ugly? ;)

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

Another one for the sex joke list that Rudolph posted a few days ago..

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

2003-02-27T15:18:00.000-08:00

Surely cutting edge technology in the fight to stop computer viruses...

2003-02-24T19:16:00.000-08:00

Ere's sumfin to while awy the seconds when you got nuffin ilse to do, innit?
'Sof the radio-thingy I got it. All about film prequels, by all accounts. What came before, like? Gottit?
Lemme give you a couple of 'xamples..

There was Jaws, but before that, the prequel-thingy, was Gums. Gottit now?
Fiddler In The Lift. Prequel to Fiddler On The Roof.

'Eres a few more and I'll put the ansas in the comment-thingy, in case you are to stoopid to work them out.

1. Apocolypse Soon
2. Pubic Cassidy and the Sundance Boy
3. Next In Line To The Throne And I

[Edited for spelling - Dear God Rudolph, learn to use a dictionary! - Armafair.]

2003-02-23T17:53:00.000-08:00

it's me tasha .. armafair threaten to post another crappy pic of me that he fudged in photoshop if i didn't come through with a pic of my horrible haircut SO here ya go .. this is me with a crappy haircut ..

2003-02-22T18:38:00.000-08:00

'Ere's a quick guide to sex for any of yoos that mite be thinking of indulging..

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX :
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

2003-02-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

Its me agin. I found this while I was snooping about a bit in Armyfares mail thingy. I wish I 'ad thought about it before. I could a smuggled a 'arf dozen or so pingwins down with me to keep me company when I was 'ere. Seems a border patrol whotsit caught some guy trying to get a lass across the border 'idden behind the front thingy of the car. Still, poor lass probly needed to go bad, so was glad they let 'er out I reckin.

Brought to you by me, Mr Hucker. Don't forget who it was that brought you it, neether. You go telling that Armyfare whose-a-body that I was treetin' you good now, ok?

2003-02-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

'Ere she is. Tasha in a bikini-thingy.

Mmmmm.. nice.

2003-02-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

Ello.*tap tap* Is this thing on? Maybe. Anyway, Armyfare is away for a bit and I am staying in is 'ouse for a bit. 'E left me in charge of this tecnolology thing for a bit and gave me a foto of some chick in her underware to show you but I might keep it for misself as it's a hot foto I think. Some Tasha chick that 'e paid me to take a foto of a bit back. 'E said she didnt find a foto hersilf so I got to use this one.
Anyway, my name is Mr Hucker. You can call me Mr Hucker. I like to keep it simple like that. Dont want to get all personal now, do we? Unless your a sexy babe and I think you are worth getting it on with, if you know wot I mean, aye? I'm staying in 'is 'ouse down here where it's only about minus 10 cents. T-shirt weather by all acounts. Bloody pathetic 'e is. Snow shoes, thick coat. 'Ardly a man if you got to put a 'at on to go out in the snow.
Anyway, no bull from now on. You leave replies only when I ask fer 'em, and don't go giving me no 'assle or ther'l be hell to sort out. Simple.
If I can work out this compewter thing tomorrow after I do a spot of sunbathing I'll show you this Tasha doll that I am talkin ''bout. Hot, right? Hot. If you are lucky I'll tell you about where I cum from. Bloody cold there. Im going to turn the 'eating off. To bloody hot here by all accounts. Goodbye.

2003-02-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

Only me...

I'm gonna be doing a bit of guesting on Tasha's blog for a little while, so in my stead will be a family friend, Rudolph, who's come down from the frozen North to stay for a while. Hopefully he'll entertain. Hopefully he won't be too insulting (he can be a bit course - treat him kindly).

Speak to ya's all soon.

2003-02-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

The previous post was, apparently, a true story.

I think this one might be too..

The Breaststroke

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing ONLY the breaststroke...

Three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.

2003-02-17T21:17:00.000-08:00

Only in America...

Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military jets, traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

U.S. Dept. of Transportation engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the Dept. of Transportation engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.

The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."

2003-02-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

for the record i don't have a hairy back!!! i was talking about men with hairy backs! here's your proof ..

see .. not hairy! ;)

2003-02-16T19:11:00.000-08:00

More search engine stuff..

Another person looking for armpits *sheesh* with "armpit list".
What is it with some people??

Two searches for Evergreen Homeowners Association
I don't suppose for one minute my page is quite what they are looking for..

Airport Announcement Pranks
Someone help me out here.. what's the connection between that search and this page? (Answers on a postcard please..)

And, no thanks to Tasha, my favourite:
Hairy back women

Ewww. On that note, I'm gonna go find my Epilady..

2003-02-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

Due to popular demand - well at least both of them asked for it - here's a bikini pic.

*sigh* The things I do for you guys..

OK, now you two have to supply bikini pics of YOU.

If you refuse, I'll be forced to publish the ones I hired someone to take of you both last summer. And I'll publish the names to go with them.

Trust me, you'll be sorry if you leave it to me. Mwahahaha... MWAHAHAHAHA.....

2003-02-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

Thanks to joyzjokes.tripod.com for these:

Ladies, don't get old...

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his "thing." He quickly decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thing", which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, saying to the other old lady, "There is no justice in the world!"

The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?".

The first old lady replied, "Look at that!
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

***** But remember, you DO have your uses! (I think girlie bashing week is still on..)

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor,"that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

2003-02-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

Went out driving today and saw a couple of things that made me laugh.

Someone painted on a rock: Spaz + Wheezie
Just who the hell would name their kids something like this? And what would attract someone named Spaz to someone named Wheezie?
Dread to think what they would call their own kids if they ever got together..

The other was a signpost offering you the chance to Ride a Wild Horse.
I could only imagine one scenario..
You are sitting on the horse: one of the calmest, most placid beasts you could imagine.
Expecting your money back, you complain that the horse isn't the least bid wild.
The owner simply says to you "Maybe not right now, but he's gonna be f*cking furious when I kick him in the leg.."

Well I thought it was funny.

Then later, whilst wandering about a shop selling gift-type things, I came across a shelf selling fancy picture frames with photos in them of couples, children etc. I thought to myself that it's all very well if you know the people, but what if you don't? I wouldn't want a picture of someone I didn't know on my shelf.

2003-02-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

Ner nerr.. I got a Valentine's day e-card..

Just can't say where it came from, to protect the innocent, and apparently fat, person.

2003-02-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

2003-02-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved into a new neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first impression. Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern Stereotypes are beginning to die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded that Chris and his family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson. What follows is the letter received from the homeowner's association, and Chris's response. As hard as it may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic effect... this is the real deal.

THE LETTER

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607

Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

THE RESPONSE

June 16, 2002

Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),

I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.

I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.

As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.

As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.

We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.

See you in hell,

Love,

Chris XXXXX

Chris has promised to keep us updated on any further developments which, I predict, will include torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Stay tuned...

And, as promised, further developments!

LETTER TWO

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607

October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.

Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.

Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.

In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

RESPONSE TWO

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),

I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.

Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .

I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.

Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.

As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

As always, love,

Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.

[Linked back to Jeff's page, where it first came from, oh-so-long ago. Sorry Jeff, for the time it took to get the link on Armafair.]

2003-02-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

Whilst clearing out a cupboard in the house, I came across a diary from the last owner of the place.
Thought I'd share a few entries with you..

The Diary of an Englishman in Canada : "Our First Canadian Winter"

Dec 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen snow for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It is so beautiful and peaceful.

Dec 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white, glistening snow, covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snow-plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved, I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

Dec 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again, shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

Jan 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars.
Fell on my arse in the driveway, went to a physio but nothing was broken.

Jan 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the white sh*te again last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That b*stard snow-plough came by twice today.
Where's that bl**dy shovel.

Jan 9th
More F***ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a F***ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

Jan 13th
F***ing b*stard white sh*te just keeps on coming down, have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little sh*ts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*ck's a*se it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a*sehole that drives the snow-plough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*stard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael F***ing Schumacher and buries the F***ing driveway again.

Jan 17th
6 more sodding inches of F***ing snow and F***ing ice and F***ing sleet and god know what other white sh*te fell last night. I am in court in 3 weeks time for assaulting the snow-plough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my f***ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 36 and more f***ing snow is forecast.
TO F*CK WITH THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON.....

2003-02-12T13:37:00.000-08:00

I thought I would give you people an idea of what I look like.
This is a copy of the pic of me that is on my coffee mug..

It is uncannily life-like - even down to the "impressive thingy".

Shagadelic?

Yeah, Baby!

2003-02-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

2003-02-09T10:02:00.000-08:00

Some women are just never satisfied..

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Chianti to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

2003-02-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

I was putting a package together in a manila envelope (sp?) and as i was licking it to seal it my tongue ring got stuck in the hole they have in the middle (know what i'm talking about?). Everyone in the office was laughing their ass off but my damn tongue ring was stuck and it hurt when i tried to get it unstuck!!!!! so just imagine me sitting at my desk, with my tongue sticking out stuck to a damn manila envelope! ugh! such a klutz i tell ya!

Well, methinks Tasha has already (albeit unknowingly) started 'girlie-bashing' week (in the middle of her 'male-bashing' week, as well!).

I'll be back..

2003-02-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

This question is just eating at me .. Do people who don't use deodorant not know they stink really, really bad??? Seriously, it's gross! If there is anyone reading this that doesn't wear it, sorry to offend you but put some f*ing deodorant on cause you're stinky!!! It's just my luck that I ALWAYS get stuck on the elevator with the chick that never wears it, hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't bathe very often either! bleh! It's bad enough that I'm in a tight space with no ventilation and riding up 10 floors with ms. stinky but to top it off I fear that the smell is going to linger onto me and stay with me for the rest of the day! yuck!

2003-02-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

I swear that's my uncle on that billboard .. lol!! Growing up we always made fun of him and called him a gorilla cause he was so hairy. I'm talking hair EVERYWHERE; on his back (sticking out of his shirt), his chest, belly, arms .. ugh! Let me tell you, I don't know many women that think it's sexy! I think it's pretty disgusting actually! So if you have a hairy back .. hint, hint!

2003-02-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

Check out the new line of Barbies ...

2003-02-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

Today is truly a tragic day. My heart goes out to the families of the astronauts aboard the Shuttle Columbia. I heard the "sonic boom" as it was flying over Dallas this morning. It shocked me I couldn't figure out what the loud noise was; it was something I had never heard before. I passed it off since I didn't hear any sirens passing by. I got up to turn on the tv and there it was all over the news ... god bless!

2003-01-31T17:23:00.000-08:00

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

hehe!! it's so HARD taking armafair's place!!! anyway, hope you enjoyed the joke!! i had the MOST painful experience EVER today (well, except for child birth). I was putting a package together in a manila envelope (sp?) and as i was licking it to seal it my tongue ring got stuck in the hole they have in the middle (know what i'm talking about?). Everyone in the office was laughing their ass off but my damn tongue ring was stuck and it hurt when i tried to get it unstuck!!!!! so just imagine me sitting at my desk, with my tongue sticking out stuck to a damn manila envelope! ugh! such a klutz i tell ya!

2003-01-30T13:02:00.000-08:00

OK, Armafair was just wrong in that last post. I think we women should declare it male-bashing week! Sound good to you?? I know it sounds great to me ; ) .. hehe! I think this is gonna be fun! LOL!

Men are like a pack of cards:

you need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them
a Club to batter them; and
a Spade to bury the bastards.

Oh, BTW .. someone please tell me what a "tosser" is!! Have fun on your trip Armafair and be safe!!! We'll miss you!!

2003-01-30T12:40:00.000-08:00

This is gonna be a bit controversial, but what the hell.. you women have had your own way on this blog for the last few days..

Scenario:
You are sitting watching football, minding your own business, beer in hand.
You wife/girlfriend comes out of the kitchen, moans at you and goes back in. Ten minutes later she comes out again, has another moan and returns to the kitchen. Throughout the game this happens about 5 times.

Question:
What have you done wrong?

Answer:
Made her chain too long.
(After all, that's why women have small feet - it's so they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.)

Please address all sarcastic comments and flaming to Tasha, as I might not be here to recieve them.

Thanks Tasha ;)

2003-01-30T09:43:00.000-08:00

Is it usually the women that think this is ncessary?:

2003-01-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

more things about women you men need to know *snicker*

Some words women use uniquely:

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument is going to start that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrow): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care anymore." You will get a "Raised-Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she
wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at
you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

OK, there you go .. it's been layed out for you men, so there should be no misunderstandings ever again! lol! I'll have to get back with you on the gardening tools stories! ;)

2003-01-29T09:14:00.000-08:00

OK, the observant ones among you might have noticed that I didn't write that last post.

I'm gonna be going away for a few days at the end of the week, and Tasha (from not so girlie) has kindly offered to come dust and clean the site in my absense.

She's told me that she is going to share with you four short but very funny stories about her and a variety of garden tools, a satyrical piece about the current global economical crises, and a transcript of her first job interview for an editorial posting with the magazine 'Gardening Tools Monthly'.

Hope you are looking forward to it as much as I am.

Welcome aboard Tasha.

2003-01-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

I agree with Armafair .. us women are ALWAYS right! get used to it!! lol =)

2003-01-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

For all the guys who, like me, just can't work women out, here's a handy guide in the form of just two rules:

Rule 1 : The woman is always right.
Rule 2 : On the very rare occasion that the woman happens to be wrong, please read Rule 1.

Follow these and you shouldn't go too far wrong.

And she'll love ya' for it.

2003-01-28T15:18:00.000-08:00

I was sitting watching my disk defragmenter hard at work this afternoon and I realised - watching a drive defrag in Win 98 is far more exciting to watch than in Win XP, don't you think?

2003-01-27T18:09:00.000-08:00

I was going to arrange a press release for the following news, but felt that after the fiasco that ensued when the Raelians came out with the news that they had cloned the first human, I thought I'd keep it low-key.

About a year ago I set off into the field of stem sell research. My research didn't last too long however, when it was pointed out to me that nobody actually wanted to buy flowers that had had their heads and leaves removed (if you gotta think about that one, move on..).

Undaunted, and knowing that my career was destined to improve at some point (I even considered that one day I might be famous, but I think that this annoucement will sweep all doubts aside), I bought some more text books, did a bit more reading, and then set to work.

My studies led me to the realisation that the world is not a happy enough place, so I set about, just a week or so ago, trying to change that. Before I reveal my groundbreaking news and go into the technical side of things, let me just asure you that I do not believe that my great great grandfather was from Tau Alpha 4 (he was actually from Spetina Prime in the Gamma quadrant) and the research is not the result of any religious beliefs (although recently I have been saying 'Thank God' quite a lot).

Technology has advanced to a degree that allows us to do almost anything we set our hearts to, and it has helped me to reach the point in my career where I am proud to anounce the following:

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased - no, thrilled to announce that I have, finally, perfected the art and science of human clowning.

(I know I should wait for the applause and cheers to die down at this point, but I am so excited I must go on..)

Devloping the first, gentically produced, human clown is a landmark in the field of human phonetics. I will unashamedly provide details on the tools I have used to achieve this, in the hope that my work may be carried forward in the name of science and allow me to follow in the footprints of the greats - Mr. Petri, who invented the petri dish, and Mr. Test, without whom we would be without tubes - to name but two.

My idea was simple. I took a book of jokes and practical pranks (named, incidentally, Jokes and Practical Pranks, for those who want to try this at home), and set about masticating it in an attempt to reduce it to it constituent parts. This didn't work, and it didn't taste nice. Once I had grasped the notion that funny had to be universal, I decided that in order for this to work and overcome language and cultural barriers, I would have to make the human clowns funny looking instead.

My tools were simple but effective:
An Etch-a-sketch, for the intricate diagrams and blueprints from which I worked;
A Mr Potato Head, with the Beach-Dude body parts expansion pack;
Some Clown Monthly magazines, for inspiration;
A Swiss Army knife, for the fiddly bits;
and the support of family and friends who put up with my constant giggling throughout my endeavours.

It won't take a genius to realise for themselves the methods, so I wo'n't go into that now, but all I can do now is ask you to be patient as we all wait for the results, which will, I am sure, be forthcoming when I can find a suitable person of the female persuasion to offer to carry the worlds first human clown, and go down with me in the history books as being the people who 'didn't really know what they were doing, but did it anyway, and wow, look what they did!'

Thank you. I am sure you all have lots of questions, but I am afraid I must go now and make some final adjustments to Mr Potato Head before I complete the screening of my female 'applicants'.

For further details, please contact my PR chap, who I am sure will do a fine job avoiding your questions and prizing the proof of it all right out of your hands with some lame excuse, and succeed only in promoting my Cult Of The Truly Dreadful Tasting Sprout.

Thank you again. Goodbye.